Ep. 18 - PHIL121: Intro to Existentialism
After seemingly going on hiatus, Pandora finds herself pressed to explain why she was gone. If she can explain, that is.
[[Theme music "Medusa" plays]]
[[SFX: door opens]]
Pandora: Really? No, we aren't doing this again.
[[SFX: door closes]]
[[SFX: door opens]]
Pandora: Wha-- no! I said no! I really have to use the bathroom, okay?
[[SFX: door closes]]
[[SFX: door opens]]
Pandora: I don't even get to pee? This is such…
Okay, hi, radio room. Nice to see you. Microphone, you're looking well. Yeah, it's been a minute. I'm perfectly aware.
I had things to do, you know. Like try to keep my new friends from killing each other, which was not a problem I realized real people had. Turns out having friends is stressful! No wonder I never did it before. Instead of, y’know...the other reasons.
And also I had, you know, school. Which I can't spend all of in here. I am not a radio major. In fact: I am a nothing major! Which is also stressful sometimes! So yeah. I've been slacking.
And now I'm explaining myself to an empty room. I've been at this school too long.
What? Don't stare at me. Your dumb little light isn’t even on. I got nothing for you!
[Pandora sighs, clears her throat.]
[[SFX: Mic turns on]]
Hey, everyone! Good afternoon. If you’re listening, um...surprise! I know this isn’t my usual broadcast time. I also know that I haven’t exactly been here at what would be considered my normal broadcast time, so...just full of surprises today.
Bu, you know, I’m allowed to have a life! So even though I appreciate people asking where I’ve been...you know. I’m just out here doing me! Doing my best! And it’s...complicated.
It’s not like I haven’t missed you. The figurative “you.” The “you” that’s actually me talking to the radio. I only do this in the first place because I enjoy it so like yeah, of course I noticed that I wasn’t doing it, but…y’know...
...I’ll be back on my normal schedule soon. Next week. I promise. This is the exclusive announcement to people who happen to leave their radio on sometimes. Which I know sounds crazy, but turns out I know someone who does just that. So, yeah. Next week. Spread the word! Pandora Wordsworth: out. That was a dumb sign off. Don’t let me do that again. Bye!
[[SFX: Mic turning off]]
There. Are you happy? Can I go use the bathroom like every other college student in the world?
No, probably not, huh? Cause I’m lying, right? And you, the sentient probably semi-haunted room that you are… you seem to know that.
I should probably be way more alarmed about all this then I am, huh? I think my real life is just alarming enough to overshadow this particular shade of weird.
OK, so, I really have been busy because I’ve been managing the fact that I’ve somehow made friends with two individuals who hate each other. Or, at least there’s a one way hatred with Aphrodite there. So I have to deal with that! And by “deal with that” I mean not dealing with it at all, because this is me we are talking about. But hey, so far so good.
And I wasn’t lying about school, either. I’m trying very hard not to fail my magic class. Apparently it’s not too shocking that I don’t have “the gift” as Professor La Fay likes to call it, so I’m still safe in that front. It just means I have to work ten times harder at everything else in the class. But I haven’t failed at anything academic since I forgot which hand was my left in Kindergarten, and I don’t intend to start now.
Plus, lest you worry, Zeus is still around and making every moment in my eye line as difficult as possible. Avoiding him takes some serious work and brain power. I think he may have removed his head from his own rear end long enough to catch that there may be a radio show that I may be in charge of, but I can't be sure. The last thing I need is him knowing where I spend my time, so it doesn’t hurt to back off from here, right?
So, as you can see, I wasn’t lying. I was just omitting, and that is very grammatically different.
...Fine, so, you want to know the real reason I haven’t broadcast in awhile? It’s because, honestly, who knows how long this will last, anyhow! The radio, the show, the whole thing. It definitely has an expiration date, right? I mean, what? End of my freshman year, at best?
I know how these things work. I work hard and get attached and then it all falls apart. I’ve seen it a hundred times before. If it helps, it’s not you, it’s me! I’m not a finisher. I’m a… I’m a ruiner. I take good things in my life and I sabotage them. So I stopped showing up cause, hey, it’s getting to be that time where Pandora messes things up! Might as well quit while we’re ahead!
Now that I say that aloud, I clearly hear you chanting “self-fulfilling prophecy.” So yeah, the logic is a little flawed. Because of course it will fail if I’m not putting in effort and therefore I created the environment wherein failure was the only option. But! In my defense! I...like having excuses.
So the fact that I can’t seem to escape this room means that I’m quite literally not allowed to quit, huh? That’s new. Tough love from old MOU.
[Pandora inhales] Okay. I meant what I said. I’m going to be back. All in. Or as ‘all in’ as I can get, which is...something I’m working on. [Pandora groans.] Is college always this heavy on self-improvement? God, it’s so much work. I just wanted to read textbooks and write essays when I got here, and instead I’m like confronting my fundamental flaws as a human on a near-daily basis. It’s friggin exhausting.
The idea that the room has any sentience comes with horrifying implications I can’t deal with now, but, um...if there’s anything listening to address this to...thanks for not letting me give up.
Well, time to go pretend I’m not still mad at my roommate for trying to frame my other friend for things he didn’t do. That is...a whole other story. I’m dealing with not dealing with it.
Do I need to do anything else before you let me go to the bathroom? Cause I had to go before this interlude and now it’s just like…
Gonna take that as a ‘no,’ so I’m out!
[[SFX: Door opening]]
Carlos, I will run you over, my dude.
[[SFX: Door closing]]
[[Theme song "Medusa" plays]]
Raeanna Nicole Larson: Mount Olympus University is an original story conceived and written by Raeanna Nicole Larson. Sound editing done by the intrepid Luuk Van Hoomissen. Our icon was designed by the incomparable Jess Reed. Music by the industrious Teddy McKrell, whose works can be heard on soundcloud under teddymackerel.
The role of Pandora is played by Raeanna Nicole Larson.
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[["Medusa" fades out]]
Transcript typed by Jess Reed